inexperienced

At a very young age, I’ve already known so many things in life. From politics to economy to show business to books to sex to love and many other things. I feel so mature because I’m too confident with what I’ve got in mind. When I started going to college, I didn’t had a hard time adjusting with the new environment. It’s coz yah know, I’ve seen all those stuff in TV and in the movies and have read on books and magazines and have even heard about it from older friends and colleagues. Through those I know what to expect and what not to. But then as I go deeper and deeper in my college journey I learned that something’s missing. I feel like I’m an incomplete puzzle. I think and search for that missing piece in me. Then I learned, I lack EXPERIENCE. Seeing all those stuff in TV and the movies is not enough. Reading them on books and magazines are not enough. Or even just hearing them are enough. There’s this line from a song, “you have to bleed just to know you‘re alive…”. Remember that song? That’s “Iris” by Googoo Dolls. You see in that line you need to get hurt to know you’re alive. Just like in life you have to experience it before you learned about it. And that is my problem.
There are times that you’ll see me sitting somewhere with my college friends talking about relationships and that. There are times that some can say I’m a veteran on relationships. But when somebody unknown enters our conversation and asks, “how many boyfriends have you had?”. I would just laugh and say, “Zero!” And she would either be speechless or say, “Why?” or say, “That’s unbelievable! How come you know all of these things?” I would just be like smiling at them and laugh but then deep inside I’m asking myself why I haven’t got a boyfriend. It’s like I’m saying such stuff to my friends who would come to me and ask for help and not even have any experience on those stuff. I’m like an inexperienced doctor. I’m like basing all my knowledge on other people’s experience and not on my own.
And now I feel so small. A college girl who has no experience whatsoever. I’m nothing compared to those who have done nasty things and have learned from it. I wish I was one of them. I could’ve learned more than what I have right now.